Humor in the air
Jack Hartmann
Issue date: 10/1/07 Section: Final Approach
A lite approach, in plain language, for questions about commercial or military planes, pilots, or aviation. E-Mail: [jhartmann@msn.com]
Q: Any good fighter stories you can tell?
A: Here's a good one about Rusty, a squadron pilot in my F-105 unit. He was a wild young Captain that kept getting into trouble. Rusty's motto was: "I'd rather die than look bad." He had 'tap danced' for the commander twice this month and couldn't afford one more. (When a fighter pilot screws up, he gets called in front of the commander. Standing there with head hung low, hands in back and shuffling one's feet makes it appear like you're "tap dancing" for the boss!
Rusty was sent to California to pick up an F-105 that had just been painted camouflage. On takeoff, he did a steep afterburner climb to impress his girlfriend on the ground. It's called "Shining his A___" (Arm? Airplane? Ankle?). As he entered the overcast clouds his heart almost stopped! His altimeter was frozen at Zero!!
Ed. note: When an aircraft is painted, tape is put over the static ports to prevent paint from clogging them up. Static ports are little holes on the side of the fuselage that sense the outside static pressure and display it as altitude. A sharp pilot would catch this on preflight. Not good ol' Rusty.
Imagine his panic -"Aaaah…..Geeez..what's goin' on here? Airspeed 300 knots and increasing - attitude 10 degrees nose up - altitude ZERO!! Help! Better eject - Nah, the boss would kill me. Well, if I stay here I'll die anyway. *sob* *whimper*……"
Just then his aircraft popped out in the clear, above the clouds. "Yahooo! I'm safe." thought Rusty. Then panic set in again: "How'm I gonna' land? Clouds as far as I can see! I know - I'll go supersonic and cause the tape to peel off! (Nah - I'll break every window in California). I know - I'll find an airliner and follow it down to a landing! Nah - be my luck he'd be heading for a landing in Hawaii and I'll run out of gas." Rusty would do anything but admit his mistake.
"Hey", thought Rusty, "I could head for Tucson - there's an Air Force Base there and never any clouds." He hadn't a clue as to his altitude but headed for Arizona anyway. It was quite a circus getting into Tucson - the Air Traffic Controller called to inform Rusty that his altitude readout showed zero. Rusty thought about replying: "Yeah, thought I'd tape up my static ports just to see what would happen."
As it turned out, the base was having a practice alert and wouldn't let him land. Rusty had to declare an emergency and fess up to his problem. You guessed it - he held a tap dance recital for the commander when he got home!
Jack Hartmann has been an aviator for over 44 years - Airline Captain (TWA), Corporate Pilot, Sky Marshal, Fighter Pilot (USAF & ANG), General Aviation pilot (CFII) and Asst. Professor, Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (Prescott).
Q: Any good fighter stories you can tell?
A: Here's a good one about Rusty, a squadron pilot in my F-105 unit. He was a wild young Captain that kept getting into trouble. Rusty's motto was: "I'd rather die than look bad." He had 'tap danced' for the commander twice this month and couldn't afford one more. (When a fighter pilot screws up, he gets called in front of the commander. Standing there with head hung low, hands in back and shuffling one's feet makes it appear like you're "tap dancing" for the boss!
Rusty was sent to California to pick up an F-105 that had just been painted camouflage. On takeoff, he did a steep afterburner climb to impress his girlfriend on the ground. It's called "Shining his A___" (Arm? Airplane? Ankle?). As he entered the overcast clouds his heart almost stopped! His altimeter was frozen at Zero!!
Ed. note: When an aircraft is painted, tape is put over the static ports to prevent paint from clogging them up. Static ports are little holes on the side of the fuselage that sense the outside static pressure and display it as altitude. A sharp pilot would catch this on preflight. Not good ol' Rusty.
Imagine his panic -"Aaaah…..Geeez..what's goin' on here? Airspeed 300 knots and increasing - attitude 10 degrees nose up - altitude ZERO!! Help! Better eject - Nah, the boss would kill me. Well, if I stay here I'll die anyway. *sob* *whimper*……"
Just then his aircraft popped out in the clear, above the clouds. "Yahooo! I'm safe." thought Rusty. Then panic set in again: "How'm I gonna' land? Clouds as far as I can see! I know - I'll go supersonic and cause the tape to peel off! (Nah - I'll break every window in California). I know - I'll find an airliner and follow it down to a landing! Nah - be my luck he'd be heading for a landing in Hawaii and I'll run out of gas." Rusty would do anything but admit his mistake.
"Hey", thought Rusty, "I could head for Tucson - there's an Air Force Base there and never any clouds." He hadn't a clue as to his altitude but headed for Arizona anyway. It was quite a circus getting into Tucson - the Air Traffic Controller called to inform Rusty that his altitude readout showed zero. Rusty thought about replying: "Yeah, thought I'd tape up my static ports just to see what would happen."
As it turned out, the base was having a practice alert and wouldn't let him land. Rusty had to declare an emergency and fess up to his problem. You guessed it - he held a tap dance recital for the commander when he got home!
Jack Hartmann has been an aviator for over 44 years - Airline Captain (TWA), Corporate Pilot, Sky Marshal, Fighter Pilot (USAF & ANG), General Aviation pilot (CFII) and Asst. Professor, Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (Prescott).
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